You Were Told to Change Who You Are: The Real Harm of Conversion Therapy and the Path to Healing with IFS
You Were Told to Change Who You Are: The Real Harm of Conversion Therapy and the Path to Healing with IFS
Conversion therapy is often described as help, guidance, or even love.
But for LGBTQ+ individuals, it is experienced as something profoundly different.
It is the slow and often invisible breaking of the self.
What It Feels Like to Be on the Receiving End
Conversion therapy rarely begins with cruelty on the surface. It often begins with care, concern, or urgency:
“We just want what’s best for you.”
“We love you too much to let you stay this way.”
“This isn’t who you really are.”
And over time, those messages deepen and sharpen:
“You are broken.”
“You are sinful.”
“You cannot trust yourself.”
“You must change to be loved.”
“If you don’t change, you will lose everything.”
For the person receiving this, something begins to happen internally.
You start to turn against yourself.
You begin to monitor your thoughts, your body, your desires.
You question every feeling.
You suppress what feels natural.
You learn to split—into the version of you that is acceptable, and the version of you that must be hidden.
There is often a deep, aching loneliness:
No one knows the real me.
If they did, I would be rejected.
And underneath that, a quiet terror:
What if they’re right about me?
The Psychological and Emotional Impact
Over time, this creates a profound internal environment:
Chronic shame that lives just beneath the surface
Anxiety that never fully settles
Depression rooted in disconnection from self
A fractured identity
A loss of trust in your own inner voice
You may feel like:
you are constantly performing
you are never enough
you are fundamentally wrong
It is not uncommon to feel as though you have disappeared from yourself.
The Many Layers of Harm
The wounds of conversion therapy are not limited to one area of your life—they often impact you on multiple levels at once:
Psychological: confusion, anxiety, internalized shame, loss of identity
Emotional: grief, loneliness, fear, anger, numbness
Relational: fear of being known, difficulty trusting others, isolation
Spiritual: confusion about God, worthiness, belonging, and what is sacred
Conversion therapy often ties identity to worthiness in the eyes of God, creating a painful equation:
To be loved, I must not be myself.
This can leave you feeling disconnected not only from others, but from your own sense of meaning, purpose, and belonging.
How the Body Holds This Pain
This kind of harm does not stay in thoughts alone.
It settles into the body.
You may notice:
a tightness in your chest when you feel seen
a sinking feeling in your stomach when you express yourself
a freeze response when talking about identity
numbness or disconnection from your body
The body learns:
It is not safe to be me.
And so it protects you—by shutting down, tightening, or hiding.
How Internal Family Systems (IFS) Brings Healing
At Deep Water Emotional Health, we use Internal Family Systems (IFS) to help gently repair these wounds.
IFS understands that the ways you adapted were not failures—they were protective.
Inside, there are parts of you that learned to carry the burden:
A part that holds shame
A part that tries to control or suppress
A part that fears rejection
A part that learned to disappear
A part that still longs to be fully known
These parts are not the problem.
They are trying to protect you from pain you should never have had to carry.
In IFS, we begin to slow down and listen.
Instead of pushing these parts away, we meet them with curiosity and compassion.
And something profound begins to happen.
The part that carries shame begins to soften.
The part that hides begins to feel seen.
The part that fears rejection begins to feel less alone.
And gradually, another presence emerges.
A calm, steady, compassionate center within you—what IFS calls Self.
From this place, you are no longer fighting yourself.
You are relating to yourself with care.
What Healing Can Feel Like
Healing does not happen all at once. But over time, something shifts.
You may begin to notice:
A softening of the harsh inner voice
A sense of relief in your body
The ability to feel without being overwhelmed
A growing trust in yourself
Moments of simply being… without needing to change
There is often a quiet realization:
I was never broken.
I was carrying pain that wasn’t mine to carry.
And with that, a new possibility emerges:
I can be whole.
You Do Not Have to Heal Alone
You do not have to heal from High-control religion alone!
We are located on the Front-range of Colorado. We offer 55-minute therapy sessions virtually, in person at our offices, and outdoors. Sessions are available in Longmont, Denver, Boulder, and throughout Colorado.
We offer a sliding scale based on self-reported income. We also accept Medicaid and HSAs and can offer Super-bills.
If you are ready to begin healing from the wounds of conversion therapy and high-control religion, we are here to walk with you.
Deep Water Emotional Health
Phone: 720-369-4630
Email: nathan.cooley@deepwateremotionalhealth.com
You were never meant to be changed.
You were meant to be known, accepted, and whole.