How High-Control Religion Distorts Love—And How One Teaching of Christ Unravels It

How High-Control Religion Distorts Love—And How One Teaching of Christ Unravels It

There’s a quiet contradiction many people carry, but rarely name.

You were told to love others.
You were told to serve.
You were told to be kind, selfless, and giving.

But you were never taught how to love yourself.

In fact, you may have been taught the opposite.

That you were broken at your core.
That you were a wretch before you were anything else.
That you were sinful by nature.

For many, this message started young:

“Your desires are sinful.”
“Your heart is deceitful above all things.”
“Deny yourself.”
“If you died tonight, where would you go?”
“God will judge you.”

And something subtle—but powerful—happened inside.

You learned that self-trust was dangerous.
You learned that your inner voice couldn’t be trusted.
You learned that your worth had to be given to you—not something you already carried.
You learned that loving yourself might actually be wrong.

Over time, you didn’t just believe these things.
You began to live from them.

What If Everything Started Somewhere Else?

What if that divine love was never something you had to earn?

What if it was already in you?

What if, at your core, you were not broken—but whole?
Not a problem to fix—but a person to rediscover?

What if beneath the fear and conditioning, you carried:

• Love

• Peace

• Connection

What if the very thing you were taught to distrust…
was actually where life begins?

“Love Your Neighbor as Yourself”

When Jesus Christ said:

“Love your neighbor as yourself”

He wasn’t introducing a rule.
He was revealing something foundational.

Because this teaching only makes sense if:

There is something within you worth loving.

Not someday.
Not once you’ve proven yourself.

But already.

Because you cannot offer to others what you do not have within yourself.

How High-Control Religion Flips This Message

Over time, a belief took hold:

You are flawed at your core.
You cannot trust yourself.
You need the system to be made right.

And this is where the trap forms.

If you are taught that you are fundamentally broken—and the solution exists outside of you—power shifts to the system:

Follow us.
Believe like us.
Look like us.
Let us define truth.

And you will be saved.

But this is the very pattern Christ disrupted.

How Jesus Christ Lived

Christ consistently stepped into moments where systems were about to crush people—and chose something different.

He moved toward:

• The outsider

• The “sinner”

• The questioning

• The marginalized

And when it came to children, he said:

“Let the little children come to me… for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

Not fix them.
Not shame them.

But welcome them.

Children—before performance, before shame—open, curious, connected.

The Same System Still Exists

Jesus Christ called the religious system of his time “whitewashed tombs.”

Clean and righteous on the outside.
But inside—something very different.

That same dynamic is still alive today.

On the outside, it may sound like:

• “We preach love”

• “We follow truth”

• “We are the way”

But underneath, it often operates through:

• Fear

• Control

• Suppression of questioning

• Conditional belonging

High-control religion can look like faith on the surface—
but function as control underneath.

Where image is protected over honesty.
Where certainty is valued over curiosity.
Where belonging is offered—but only if you conform.

Healing Through Self-Led Love (IFS Perspective)

Healing begins when you step out of that system and begin to relate to yourself differently.

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), you are not something broken to fix—you are a system of parts.

Parts that:

• Learned fear

• Carry shame

• Try to protect you

But beneath those parts is something steady.

What IFS calls the Self.

From this place, you can:

• Turn toward yourself with curiosity instead of judgment

• Begin to unburden what you’ve been carrying

• Learn to love all parts of yourself

Not just the acceptable ones.
Not just the “good” ones.

All of you.

And from there, something shifts.

Love is no longer something you try to perform.
It becomes something that flows.

The Way Out

The way out of high-control religion is not just leaving beliefs.

It is reclaiming your relationship with yourself.

It is remembering:

• Your voice matters

• Your inner world is not dangerous

• You are not fundamentally broken

And from that place, love begins to change.

Not as a command.
But as a lived experience.

Begin Your Healing Journey

At Deep Water Emotional Health, we specialize in helping people heal from high-control religion, anxiety, depression, and childhood trauma through:

• Internal Family Systems (IFS)

• Somatic Therapy

• Narrative Therapy (Soul Care)

• Nature-based and experiential therapy

We offer a free 55-minute therapy session for those beginning the deconstruction and healing process.

If it feels like a good fit, we also offer a sliding scale to make this accessible.

Based along Colorado’s Front Range, sessions are available:

• Virtually throughout Colorado

• In-person in Longmont, Denver, and Boulder

• Outdoors in nature

This first session is a space where:

• You don’t have to have it all figured out

• Your questions are welcome

• Your story is honored

Closing

High-control religion often teaches:

“Love others—but not yourself.”

But in doing so, it distorts the very teaching it claims to follow.

Because this was always the invitation:

Love your neighbor as yourself.

Not as a suggestion.
Not as an abstract idea.

But as a direct, grounded way of living.

And the beginning of that love…
is learning how to finally turn it inward.